The Spaghetti Song: Escape Of The Meatball

You've all heard the spaghetti song right? "On top of spa-ghetti, all covered with cheese, I lost my poor meat-ball, when somebody sneezed, it rolled off the ta-ble and onto the floor, and then my poor meat-ball, went out through the door, it rolled through the gar-den and under a bush, and now my poor meat-ball is nothing but mush." Well I'm here to tell you, that it was indeed a poor, pooor meatball, and his uncanny escape from food hell and certain death was nothing short of a miracle and certainly not the result of a simple sneeze. You must first understand the frankensteinian process that makes a meatball before you can understand the meatball itself. Ask yourself: "what goes on during the process of making a meatball?" The meat is ground, then formed, and then baked at an incredible temperature (at least to the meatball)! And SOMEWHERE in that process: the meatball gains consciousness. So it was that in this state of new birth, our particular meatball came about during the forming process. He was suddenly thrown inside a tray-ish prison with many others and was suddenly forced as low as he could go by some weird, clear force field. For weeks him and the others sat in their icy dungeon, blinded by lights, and all they could see where more of these prisons surrounding them, one by one being picked up by huge giants and going off to seemingly freedom. One day one of these giants picked up our meatball's prison. The warmth of their giant hands and of the surrounding air was wonderful! The meatballs all started to shout for joy! Now they would finally see just where the giants took the others. After many SPECTACULAR sights and sounds, they finally arrived at the giant's dwelling. And FINALLY after all these weeks, the force field was removed. Now of course all food knows that it's an unspoken rule not to act on your own when in front of giants, so of course they all stood still and silent. Suddenly, our little meatball friend and the others were transferred to a larger, more shiny tray, lots more room I might say and they were all very comfy. But it was a temporary bliss--for soon they were placed in a dark chamber, what seemed to be glowing snakes above them appeared and what was not so long ago a pleasant warmth turned into a fiery hell. I do not need to go into details about what went on inside that oven, but know that it was terrible. About 1/3 hour later the glowing snakes disappeared and the door was open. Our meatball more dead than alive barely managed to open his eyes and see the carnage... all the others seemed just as he, but they did not open their eyes. They were taken to a table surrounded by giants of all different sizes. They were thrown into a pile of noodley snakes and then had a strange, red goo poured on top of them followed by the graded flesh of a once was cheese block. Then they were all thrown about! This way and that way! Up and down! Side to side! And miraculously our little meatball ended up on the very tippy top of carnage hill. He was more awake than ever now, and though he did not know exactly what was going to happen, he did see the various torcher implements each giant held in their hands. It was now or never. Conveniently a member of the table let out a huge sneeze right on top of the food pile. Unlike the impression you get from the song, this sneeze did NOT push the meatball entirely. More so, it happens that right before the sneeze, our meatball decided to break free and jumped the inch that he could right as the sneeze came about, which pushed him all the way down the food pile and he was able to roll the rest of the way off of the table before anyone could grab him. He continued rolling toward the door, dodging the dog, the cat, and everyone else for who knows why STILL trying to grab him. He finally made it out the door when one of the running giants slid right it, slamming it shut for a few valuable seconds for our meatball. He managed to make it to the garden before the door was re-opened, and when it did, out poured all the giants, one of whom shouted "there it is! It's heading for the garden!" By the time our little meatball reached the garden the giants where already there looking for him. He hid under a lettuce leaf until dusk and all the giants gave up and went back inside. He felt a huge sigh of relief, he was finally free! But then the sprinklers came on and our meatball rolled for cover. He found a bush and hid under it. And it is in this state that the song ends "he rolled through the gar-den, and under a bush, and now my poor meat-ball, is nothing but mush". But truth be told, it did not take him long to find the bush and it was actually very dry under there during the duration of the sprinklers. It was more in the minds of all those giants who quite enjoyed the rest of their meal, thinking that our little meatball was nothing but mush. However I'm glad to tell you that he went on to be part of the cuisine underworld and helped thousands of meatballs and other food groups escape certain death.

The End.

A Funny Childhood Hunting Story

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Here's a small collection of stories from my childhood of hunting with my dad. My dad was the kind of guy who LOVED the outdoors, and since he had a few, issues... he would take me and my brother with him for weeks at a time every time he would go hunting. We never really caught anything except the one time he illegally shot a deer from over the road. The main reason we never got anything was because just before we moved from Juneau (where he was the hunting master), he had all his guns taken away under a misunderstanding and lost the ability to have such weapons. So when we moved here, he had to switch to bow and arrow, he was a great shot after teaching himself to make perfect long range shots, buuuut... it was just different, and he never really got used to it.

Oh we'd sneak up on animals all the time, even whole herds of elk, it was just the change from rifle to bow was a hard one. Speaking of which, one of the most spectacular moments I've been in as a child here in Oregon, is seeing and hearing a whole herd of elk take off. The ground literally shakes and the sound is like that of thunder. But I said this was a funny blog, not a totally awesome blog, lol. So here you go...

One of the joys of the great outdoors is mastering the squatting position for when one has to go number II... in other words, they have to poop.***** Which consequently never fails to be a subject of humor among a group of the male gender. This was no different than one of my fondest memories in the woods. And I remember it like it was yesterday. There, along a steep hillside, among the sunlit brown trunks of towering trees and dark green undergrowth, where a quiet stream flowed just a few feet away, my little brother... had to take a crap.

SO, assuming the squatting position, he... well you know, lol. All three of us started the number uno no of hunting--we started making noises. Stifled laughter and loud whispering, lol, I don't even remember what we were saying, only that it was centered around the joyous event of pooping in the woods. Probably something about scaring the animals away =D as if we weren't already doing this by our laughter. Then, the unthinkable happened... I looked over to my side and noticed an unusually large, sunlit patch of brown only a few feet away, maybe about 10 or 20 feet. I kept staring and as my eyes focused, I realised I was staring at a huge elk, standing perfectly still. I believe it was a female and I quickly got my dad's attention.

He started to pull his bow when the animal realized what was happening and took off down the hill! My dad, I'm telling you he was a hunter, took off running after it and we found that there were two bull elks that were in the brush that also took off running. That was an incredible site, seeing my dad run down this mountain chasing three elk! ... Wow.

You might have guessed it... he didn't get them, but it was still pretty incredible, and funny, lol. And never forget, the great outdoors isn't always about being serious, it's also about having a good time.

Card Tricks: New Card Trick--Rapido

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Card tricks have been a source of entertainment for centuries. Today I'm going to show you something new, you can amaze your family, dazzle your friends, and add one more trick up your sleeve to your arsenal of tricks. How do I know this is something new? It's quite simple, I invented it. Using a few card controlling and forcing tricks I learned from a book, I slapped them together, added a few deceptive tricks of my own and vualla! Up till now, no one has ever been able to guess how I do this trick, and it's been around for probably close to 8 years. I've never come up for a name for it until now, so let's just call it "Rapido".

It is very important when performing Rapido that you are facing the person the trick is to be performed on and that the backside of the cards are tilted toward them as well, although I have had people sitting behind me still not able to guess the trick... it's not a very good idea, particularly if they know anything about card tricks.

1. The first step in Rapido is thorally mixing the cards in whatever way you wish in front of the audience, even allowing a member or several members of the audience to mix: this gives a feeling of involvement and control to them. Secondly, when you receive the cards back, you want to ever so slightly spot what the bottom card of the deck is. You can do this by slightly tilting the deck and taking a quick but natural glance, or perhaps even engaging the audience in conversation as your use your hand gestures to get a quick peek. You can also take a quick peek as you're performing the trick as it is only natural that you should watch the deck when you handle it, but REMEMBER THIS, keep looking and talking with the audience at the same time, this not only makes them feel more comfortable, but averts their eyes from the deck and your hands.

2. The next step in Rapido is a form of card control. Once you know the bottom card, you will start a quick granny shuffle: for right handers, grab about 3/4 of the deck from the back in your right hand, and shuffle them in front of the 1/3 of the deck that's in your left hand, the cards in your right hand should be falling away front to back. The vital point here is that you have gripped the bottom card of the deck and have made sure that it is the last card placed, thus successfully shuffling the bottom-most card to the very top of the deck.

3. Thirdly in Rapido, is a trick called the slip force. You will hold the deck in your hand with the last digits of your fingers gripping the top of the deck to the side (index finger may be out towards the front edge of the deck) and your thumb at the top corner edge of the deck. You will ask the person(s) involved to tell you when to stop--as you continue to run your thumb down the edge of the cards. When you are told to stop, you will take the upper part of the cards you just passed and while keeping pressure on the topmost card with your fingers, slip the away the rest of the cards and put them on the bottom. This gives the appearance that you have split the deck at a random place, when in actuality you have kept the card you want on top. It helps when you slip the cards away to tilt the deck quickly and slightly upwards.

4. Next, take the top card and give it to the person involved, or you can ask them to take the top card, but I find a lot that smart allecks will say that they want this card or that card instead, so just judge for yourself what to do. Ask them to memorize the card and then to place it anywhere in the deck. Then ask them to shuffle it. It can be shuffled as many times and in whatever ways possible (just don't let them look at the deck as some will try to take their card out), just keep the shuffling on. And when it's handed to you, make one more quick shuffle. All this time remember to keep conversation and eye contact every now and then (with a smile, lol).

5. Once the audience is satisfied it has been mixed enough, you will proceed to sift through the cards (the face of the cards towards you) and at random (looking perplexed and busy) placing cards on what will be the bottom of the deck, until you get to your card, after that, continue sifting through the rest taking half a second to look at this one or that one until you are all done, remember to be patient.

6. With a look of perplexion and worry, tell the person you are doing the trick with that you may have lost their card and are going to have them help you find it, while you are telling them this be performing step 2. again.

7. Repeat step 3 and reveal the card.

Rapido is a wonderful trick to have in your arsenal of card tricks and party tricks alike to amaze your family and dazzle your friends. Enjoy.

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